i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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