If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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