I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
