Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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