He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
