I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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