just tell him i said nine months
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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