I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
