ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
