now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
