the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
