I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
pray to the hookup gods
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
