I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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