and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
