Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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