I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
