I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
