My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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