...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
