So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
