this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
