the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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