I'm lost and stupid without you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
