What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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