its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
