1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
