Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
