I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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