wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
