He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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