so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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