I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
