i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
