Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
