Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
