I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
