I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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