Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
