Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
