My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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