2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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