Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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