I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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