you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
