after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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