For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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