so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
