just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
