Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
