I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just pynch a tree in the face
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
