Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
