Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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