she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
